I am OVER Efrem Tutwiler, and here's why!!

So, I have been very careful about what I have said on here regarding Efrem. I haven't even used his name until now. But that has been stupid. I didn't do anything wrong. Well, I did, sort of, but I'll get to that in a bit.

The whole time we were "together" (I use the quotes because we were never dating, according to him), he wanted our relationship to be a secret. I thought at the time that it was kinda fun, something only we knew. I realize now he was apparently ashamed of the fact that we were together and that was why it was so important to keep it a secret.

I was really, truly in love with him. I know that it didn't look good on paper, me being older than him by 9 years and us being of different races, but that never mattered to me. I loved HIM. He made me happy and made me feel pretty and wanted, all of which I hadn't felt in a very long time.

But he moved on. And ok, that hurt. A lot. I've talked about that. Let's move on to what I haven't talked about yet. The thing on Valentine's Day.

When I got back from going out with some friends on Valentine's Day around midnight, I took my away message off of AIM. And I was checking Myspace or something. I had taken Efrem off my AIM Buddy List, because it bothered me to see his name there and I knew I probably wouldn't be talking to him on it again anyway. But I suddenly get an alert that he wants to IM me. So, I accepted it. We talked a bit, he gave me his new cell number, and then I asked him a question and he didn't answer. That ticked me off a bit, so I called him. The call went to the voicemail, so I hung up. But he called me right back. We ended up talking for about 2 hours.

It was our usual talk, why did you choose her over me, why can't you date both of us. I am a lame-o, I know. But I was still so in love, I would have taken any scraps he would have given me. (Here's some backstory on this girl he dropped me for: She is a virgin, because she wants to wait until marriage because she loves Jesus, but apparently, Jesus approves of blowjobs.)Finally we got to the part where I told him that a virgin isn't going to be able to do things the way he likes them, if you are getting my drift.

And as we are talking about this, I asked him if he was aroused. He told me that he was. Then I asked if phone sex was cheating. And he told me no, that it wasn't cheating. So I asked him if he would touch himself and he told me that he already was. We ended up telling each other what our favorite thing was that we used to do to each other in bed. He especially liked holding my legs up and thrusting deep into me. And at one point, he told me he wished he was still having sex with me.

Ten minutes prior to this, he was telling me that he considered Tanissa his "future wife". That was when I realized he wasn't the person I thought he was. Any man who would do that not only me, but to someone he was supposed to love and supposedly wants to spend his life with is just a jerk.

I talked to him last night, and I asked him if he felt guilty about cheating on his girlfriend with me and he said that he did. He told me that the reason he did it was to help me, because I had told him, right after he told me about her, that I wished we could have one last time together. I told him I would have believed him more if he had told me it was just the heat of the moment. And I explained to him my realization that he isn't the guy I thought he was and that I wouldn't ever date him, even if he asked me to. I think I kinda pissed him off with that, but oh well. He's pissed me off enough.

I'd like to be friends with him again. I do miss him in that way. We used to talk and just laugh and have a good time. We won't be though. Because as much as I want to be over him, and say that I'm over him, I'm not. And won't be for a long while. Truth is, I miss him in every way, still. I'm still shedding tears over him, and it has been nearly 2 months. But he will not see it in me ever again. I am a good actress.

It's Tanissa I feel sorry for. I hope she hasn't given up her virginity to a guy like this. He's just about conquests and now wants a virgin. He will fuck her and drop her, just like he did me.


Impervia
The one who wishes she was impervious

The Horrid Truth

Here's the thing.....

I was totally in love with this guy, the one from the REALLY long post. And then he was done with me. And it killed me, almost. And then it got better a little and only hurt like hell. And then the Valentine's Day thing happened and I realized that he isn't who I thought he was.

I thought he was the sweetest guy, but really, he's just a cheater. The last 3 chicks he's been with have involved cheating in some way, including the current one, Tanissa Parks. I realized after that night that even if I could ever win him, I wouldn't be able to trust him, really. And I know that, even though he said at the time it wasn't cheating, what happened on Valentine's Day was cheating, cuz he's avoided me since. He's avoiding me right now, as I just IM'd him and have gotten no reply.

So, I'm currently stuck with feelings for someone I couldn't/wouldn't date anyway. And other prospects are nil.

I hope this sheds a bit more light on my life as it is right now. Maybe I will start to be a little more graphic in this blog, Shep. But give me a little time. I barely know thee.

2 AM, the day after Valentine's Day...

Something happened on Valentine's Day. Well, actually the day after, round 2 am. Something that didn't confuse me or upset me as much as I thought it would have. Sure, I've been thinking about it a lot, trying to figure out why it happened and if it will again.

But, I'm not focused on it, really. A short while ago, I would have taken it as a sign, good things happen if you are really in love and very patient. But now, I kinda see it as the thing it was always supposed to be.

I made myself look like such a fool, and it didn't help anyways. I'm done with that. The invitation has been extended, but I'm not gonna sit around waiting for him to R.S.V.P. He has to live with what he chose. Poor him.

The State of my Union

This is an e-mail I sent to him

So, it's been a week now and I thought I was doing so well. Sure, the fact that I was still getting upset occasionally was not good, but I wasn't spending huge chunks of time crying my eyes out anymore. So, I felt I was moving on.

Then, I tried to retrieve a voice message off my cell. And a message from you that was still on there was going to be deleted and it asked me if I wanted to delete it. It wasn't anything earth shattering, not a message that anyone would normally keep. Just you, calling me "Andi" and saying that you were home safely. It was about 15 seconds long. And it ruined me. Again.

You might ask why. I'll tell you. Because I asked you to call because it was late and I worried about you getting home safely. You had just left the warmth of my bed and arms. And I worried about you. And it killed me yesterday, because I know I will never get another message like that from you ever again. That you will never leave the warmth of my bed and arms again. That I'll never fell the softness of your lips on mine ever again. Never again will I feel the smoothness of your skin, be able to touch your hair, rub your nose with mine. I will never again know the most comfortable feeling of your body above mine. I won't hear your voice, saying, "Oh, Andi", so close to my ear. Never again know the taste of your skin and sweat. Never see the look on your face when you are satisfied. Your smell ... that I'll smell again and it will make me crazy, because I won't be able to do anything but long for the past.

Yes, all this from a voice message you probably don't even remember leaving. And I know, you are sorry, you never meant to hurt me and you didn't know I had these feelings for you. But how could you not notice? I would avoid other things to get the chance to see you. I came to all of your concerts because I wanted to watch you doing what you loved. But most of all, how could you not tell by the way we were when we were together. Do you really think there would have been that much passion when I slept with you if I wasn't in love with you? If you were to me what I was to you, the sex would have never been as good as it was. I cared for you. So much. All I wanted to do was please you.

Sleeping with you was so wonderful, that afterwards, it always felt unreal to me. Like nothing that good could ever happen to me while I was awake, so it must have been a dream. I almost wish it had only been a dream. It would be possible for me to dream it again then. Not like in reality, where you are finished with me now.

I know you want to only be friends. But I want to take you in my arms, kiss you and make love to you. This will never do. I knew that our....whatever you want to call it, would have to end soon. You can read that in my Live Journal. I knew that on New Year's Eve. But, I wanted to end it in a way that I wouldn't have gotten so hurt. I wanted to be with you one last time, knowing it would be the last time. I wanted to have a good memory of our last time together.

Now, my memory of our last time together was of me telling you no. Why did I do that? You wanted to have sex again that night and I said no, fully thinking we would be able to again another time. Part of me has wondered if that was why you decided to leave. Because I said no to you. I really hope not, and if it is, please never tell me. I have punished myself enough for that already. I should have had sex with you again. All the times I said no, I should have said yes. I didn't know that the times I did get to make love to you were all that I was going to get. I hate myself for ever telling you no.

I know that you have moved on. Although, it kills me that you were able to so quickly and easily. I really thought I meant something to you. But I didn't, really, and now you are gone from my life. You were my life just 2 weeks ago. My, how quickly things can change.

I wish I could make you love me, but I can't. But, I'm doing things to improve the way I look, so maybe you will change your mind. I know I'm not pretty and I'm sure your new girlfriend is. I just want you to know that if she ever tells you she loves you more than anyone in the world does, she's lying. I love you. So much. More than she ever can or will. And I always will. You will never be out of my heart. No matter what I do, I will always want to be in your arms. No matter who I'm with, part of me will want to be with you. And no matter what I say in the future, this is the truth.

I'm unable to say these things without crying. I will spell check this, because it is hard to type through so many tears. I will shed many more over you, I'm sure. I don't say this to make you feel bad, I just want you to know what I feel. I should have done that from the beginning. Maybe things would have been better.

I did fall in love with you the first time we had sex. I knew that I shouldn't have and that was why the thing with Ian happened. When you told me later that you were mad about it and seemed kind of jealous, I thought you cared about me. Other things that you said and did made me feel the same way. When you would find a way to touch me at the PAC if other people were around. The way you would look into my eyes. Like the time at my sister's house when you told me you never noticed how beautiful my eyes were. How gentle and passionate you were when we slept together. I actually thought that you were falling for me. Stupid, huh?

I asked you before why I was fine to sleep with, but not to date, and you never actually answered. I think I know the reasons. I'm too old and not attractive enough. Well, I'm working on the second one, if you can ever get over the first one.

I love and miss you in every way possible. I wish I could be with you again.