I am OVER Efrem Tutwiler, and here's why!!

So, I have been very careful about what I have said on here regarding Efrem. I haven't even used his name until now. But that has been stupid. I didn't do anything wrong. Well, I did, sort of, but I'll get to that in a bit.

The whole time we were "together" (I use the quotes because we were never dating, according to him), he wanted our relationship to be a secret. I thought at the time that it was kinda fun, something only we knew. I realize now he was apparently ashamed of the fact that we were together and that was why it was so important to keep it a secret.

I was really, truly in love with him. I know that it didn't look good on paper, me being older than him by 9 years and us being of different races, but that never mattered to me. I loved HIM. He made me happy and made me feel pretty and wanted, all of which I hadn't felt in a very long time.

But he moved on. And ok, that hurt. A lot. I've talked about that. Let's move on to what I haven't talked about yet. The thing on Valentine's Day.

When I got back from going out with some friends on Valentine's Day around midnight, I took my away message off of AIM. And I was checking Myspace or something. I had taken Efrem off my AIM Buddy List, because it bothered me to see his name there and I knew I probably wouldn't be talking to him on it again anyway. But I suddenly get an alert that he wants to IM me. So, I accepted it. We talked a bit, he gave me his new cell number, and then I asked him a question and he didn't answer. That ticked me off a bit, so I called him. The call went to the voicemail, so I hung up. But he called me right back. We ended up talking for about 2 hours.

It was our usual talk, why did you choose her over me, why can't you date both of us. I am a lame-o, I know. But I was still so in love, I would have taken any scraps he would have given me. (Here's some backstory on this girl he dropped me for: She is a virgin, because she wants to wait until marriage because she loves Jesus, but apparently, Jesus approves of blowjobs.)Finally we got to the part where I told him that a virgin isn't going to be able to do things the way he likes them, if you are getting my drift.

And as we are talking about this, I asked him if he was aroused. He told me that he was. Then I asked if phone sex was cheating. And he told me no, that it wasn't cheating. So I asked him if he would touch himself and he told me that he already was. We ended up telling each other what our favorite thing was that we used to do to each other in bed. He especially liked holding my legs up and thrusting deep into me. And at one point, he told me he wished he was still having sex with me.

Ten minutes prior to this, he was telling me that he considered Tanissa his "future wife". That was when I realized he wasn't the person I thought he was. Any man who would do that not only me, but to someone he was supposed to love and supposedly wants to spend his life with is just a jerk.

I talked to him last night, and I asked him if he felt guilty about cheating on his girlfriend with me and he said that he did. He told me that the reason he did it was to help me, because I had told him, right after he told me about her, that I wished we could have one last time together. I told him I would have believed him more if he had told me it was just the heat of the moment. And I explained to him my realization that he isn't the guy I thought he was and that I wouldn't ever date him, even if he asked me to. I think I kinda pissed him off with that, but oh well. He's pissed me off enough.

I'd like to be friends with him again. I do miss him in that way. We used to talk and just laugh and have a good time. We won't be though. Because as much as I want to be over him, and say that I'm over him, I'm not. And won't be for a long while. Truth is, I miss him in every way, still. I'm still shedding tears over him, and it has been nearly 2 months. But he will not see it in me ever again. I am a good actress.

It's Tanissa I feel sorry for. I hope she hasn't given up her virginity to a guy like this. He's just about conquests and now wants a virgin. He will fuck her and drop her, just like he did me.


Impervia
The one who wishes she was impervious

The Horrid Truth

Here's the thing.....

I was totally in love with this guy, the one from the REALLY long post. And then he was done with me. And it killed me, almost. And then it got better a little and only hurt like hell. And then the Valentine's Day thing happened and I realized that he isn't who I thought he was.

I thought he was the sweetest guy, but really, he's just a cheater. The last 3 chicks he's been with have involved cheating in some way, including the current one, Tanissa Parks. I realized after that night that even if I could ever win him, I wouldn't be able to trust him, really. And I know that, even though he said at the time it wasn't cheating, what happened on Valentine's Day was cheating, cuz he's avoided me since. He's avoiding me right now, as I just IM'd him and have gotten no reply.

So, I'm currently stuck with feelings for someone I couldn't/wouldn't date anyway. And other prospects are nil.

I hope this sheds a bit more light on my life as it is right now. Maybe I will start to be a little more graphic in this blog, Shep. But give me a little time. I barely know thee.

2 AM, the day after Valentine's Day...

Something happened on Valentine's Day. Well, actually the day after, round 2 am. Something that didn't confuse me or upset me as much as I thought it would have. Sure, I've been thinking about it a lot, trying to figure out why it happened and if it will again.

But, I'm not focused on it, really. A short while ago, I would have taken it as a sign, good things happen if you are really in love and very patient. But now, I kinda see it as the thing it was always supposed to be.

I made myself look like such a fool, and it didn't help anyways. I'm done with that. The invitation has been extended, but I'm not gonna sit around waiting for him to R.S.V.P. He has to live with what he chose. Poor him.