The State of my Union
This is an e-mail I sent to him
So, it's been a week now and I thought I was doing so well. Sure, the fact that I was still getting upset occasionally was not good, but I wasn't spending huge chunks of time crying my eyes out anymore. So, I felt I was moving on.
Then, I tried to retrieve a voice message off my cell. And a message from you that was still on there was going to be deleted and it asked me if I wanted to delete it. It wasn't anything earth shattering, not a message that anyone would normally keep. Just you, calling me "Andi" and saying that you were home safely. It was about 15 seconds long. And it ruined me. Again.
You might ask why. I'll tell you. Because I asked you to call because it was late and I worried about you getting home safely. You had just left the warmth of my bed and arms. And I worried about you. And it killed me yesterday, because I know I will never get another message like that from you ever again. That you will never leave the warmth of my bed and arms again. That I'll never fell the softness of your lips on mine ever again. Never again will I feel the smoothness of your skin, be able to touch your hair, rub your nose with mine. I will never again know the most comfortable feeling of your body above mine. I won't hear your voice, saying, "Oh, Andi", so close to my ear. Never again know the taste of your skin and sweat. Never see the look on your face when you are satisfied. Your smell ... that I'll smell again and it will make me crazy, because I won't be able to do anything but long for the past.
Yes, all this from a voice message you probably don't even remember leaving. And I know, you are sorry, you never meant to hurt me and you didn't know I had these feelings for you. But how could you not notice? I would avoid other things to get the chance to see you. I came to all of your concerts because I wanted to watch you doing what you loved. But most of all, how could you not tell by the way we were when we were together. Do you really think there would have been that much passion when I slept with you if I wasn't in love with you? If you were to me what I was to you, the sex would have never been as good as it was. I cared for you. So much. All I wanted to do was please you.
Sleeping with you was so wonderful, that afterwards, it always felt unreal to me. Like nothing that good could ever happen to me while I was awake, so it must have been a dream. I almost wish it had only been a dream. It would be possible for me to dream it again then. Not like in reality, where you are finished with me now.
I know you want to only be friends. But I want to take you in my arms, kiss you and make love to you. This will never do. I knew that our....whatever you want to call it, would have to end soon. You can read that in my Live Journal. I knew that on New Year's Eve. But, I wanted to end it in a way that I wouldn't have gotten so hurt. I wanted to be with you one last time, knowing it would be the last time. I wanted to have a good memory of our last time together.
Now, my memory of our last time together was of me telling you no. Why did I do that? You wanted to have sex again that night and I said no, fully thinking we would be able to again another time. Part of me has wondered if that was why you decided to leave. Because I said no to you. I really hope not, and if it is, please never tell me. I have punished myself enough for that already. I should have had sex with you again. All the times I said no, I should have said yes. I didn't know that the times I did get to make love to you were all that I was going to get. I hate myself for ever telling you no.
I know that you have moved on. Although, it kills me that you were able to so quickly and easily. I really thought I meant something to you. But I didn't, really, and now you are gone from my life. You were my life just 2 weeks ago. My, how quickly things can change.
I wish I could make you love me, but I can't. But, I'm doing things to improve the way I look, so maybe you will change your mind. I know I'm not pretty and I'm sure your new girlfriend is. I just want you to know that if she ever tells you she loves you more than anyone in the world does, she's lying. I love you. So much. More than she ever can or will. And I always will. You will never be out of my heart. No matter what I do, I will always want to be in your arms. No matter who I'm with, part of me will want to be with you. And no matter what I say in the future, this is the truth.
I'm unable to say these things without crying. I will spell check this, because it is hard to type through so many tears. I will shed many more over you, I'm sure. I don't say this to make you feel bad, I just want you to know what I feel. I should have done that from the beginning. Maybe things would have been better.
I did fall in love with you the first time we had sex. I knew that I shouldn't have and that was why the thing with Ian happened. When you told me later that you were mad about it and seemed kind of jealous, I thought you cared about me. Other things that you said and did made me feel the same way. When you would find a way to touch me at the PAC if other people were around. The way you would look into my eyes. Like the time at my sister's house when you told me you never noticed how beautiful my eyes were. How gentle and passionate you were when we slept together. I actually thought that you were falling for me. Stupid, huh?
I asked you before why I was fine to sleep with, but not to date, and you never actually answered. I think I know the reasons. I'm too old and not attractive enough. Well, I'm working on the second one, if you can ever get over the first one.
I love and miss you in every way possible. I wish I could be with you again.
So, it's been a week now and I thought I was doing so well. Sure, the fact that I was still getting upset occasionally was not good, but I wasn't spending huge chunks of time crying my eyes out anymore. So, I felt I was moving on.
Then, I tried to retrieve a voice message off my cell. And a message from you that was still on there was going to be deleted and it asked me if I wanted to delete it. It wasn't anything earth shattering, not a message that anyone would normally keep. Just you, calling me "Andi" and saying that you were home safely. It was about 15 seconds long. And it ruined me. Again.
You might ask why. I'll tell you. Because I asked you to call because it was late and I worried about you getting home safely. You had just left the warmth of my bed and arms. And I worried about you. And it killed me yesterday, because I know I will never get another message like that from you ever again. That you will never leave the warmth of my bed and arms again. That I'll never fell the softness of your lips on mine ever again. Never again will I feel the smoothness of your skin, be able to touch your hair, rub your nose with mine. I will never again know the most comfortable feeling of your body above mine. I won't hear your voice, saying, "Oh, Andi", so close to my ear. Never again know the taste of your skin and sweat. Never see the look on your face when you are satisfied. Your smell ... that I'll smell again and it will make me crazy, because I won't be able to do anything but long for the past.
Yes, all this from a voice message you probably don't even remember leaving. And I know, you are sorry, you never meant to hurt me and you didn't know I had these feelings for you. But how could you not notice? I would avoid other things to get the chance to see you. I came to all of your concerts because I wanted to watch you doing what you loved. But most of all, how could you not tell by the way we were when we were together. Do you really think there would have been that much passion when I slept with you if I wasn't in love with you? If you were to me what I was to you, the sex would have never been as good as it was. I cared for you. So much. All I wanted to do was please you.
Sleeping with you was so wonderful, that afterwards, it always felt unreal to me. Like nothing that good could ever happen to me while I was awake, so it must have been a dream. I almost wish it had only been a dream. It would be possible for me to dream it again then. Not like in reality, where you are finished with me now.
I know you want to only be friends. But I want to take you in my arms, kiss you and make love to you. This will never do. I knew that our....whatever you want to call it, would have to end soon. You can read that in my Live Journal. I knew that on New Year's Eve. But, I wanted to end it in a way that I wouldn't have gotten so hurt. I wanted to be with you one last time, knowing it would be the last time. I wanted to have a good memory of our last time together.
Now, my memory of our last time together was of me telling you no. Why did I do that? You wanted to have sex again that night and I said no, fully thinking we would be able to again another time. Part of me has wondered if that was why you decided to leave. Because I said no to you. I really hope not, and if it is, please never tell me. I have punished myself enough for that already. I should have had sex with you again. All the times I said no, I should have said yes. I didn't know that the times I did get to make love to you were all that I was going to get. I hate myself for ever telling you no.
I know that you have moved on. Although, it kills me that you were able to so quickly and easily. I really thought I meant something to you. But I didn't, really, and now you are gone from my life. You were my life just 2 weeks ago. My, how quickly things can change.
I wish I could make you love me, but I can't. But, I'm doing things to improve the way I look, so maybe you will change your mind. I know I'm not pretty and I'm sure your new girlfriend is. I just want you to know that if she ever tells you she loves you more than anyone in the world does, she's lying. I love you. So much. More than she ever can or will. And I always will. You will never be out of my heart. No matter what I do, I will always want to be in your arms. No matter who I'm with, part of me will want to be with you. And no matter what I say in the future, this is the truth.
I'm unable to say these things without crying. I will spell check this, because it is hard to type through so many tears. I will shed many more over you, I'm sure. I don't say this to make you feel bad, I just want you to know what I feel. I should have done that from the beginning. Maybe things would have been better.
I did fall in love with you the first time we had sex. I knew that I shouldn't have and that was why the thing with Ian happened. When you told me later that you were mad about it and seemed kind of jealous, I thought you cared about me. Other things that you said and did made me feel the same way. When you would find a way to touch me at the PAC if other people were around. The way you would look into my eyes. Like the time at my sister's house when you told me you never noticed how beautiful my eyes were. How gentle and passionate you were when we slept together. I actually thought that you were falling for me. Stupid, huh?
I asked you before why I was fine to sleep with, but not to date, and you never actually answered. I think I know the reasons. I'm too old and not attractive enough. Well, I'm working on the second one, if you can ever get over the first one.
I love and miss you in every way possible. I wish I could be with you again.
posted by Impervia at
11:14 AM
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